Randy is playing in the living room one Saturday afternoon. His parents are taking a nap. Randy overhears a strange sequence of thumps and squeaks. He climbs the stairs and listens at the door. A moan? He opens the door, provoking a muffled grunt and a flurry of bedclothes. His mother's face is red and her hair a mess. She looks frightened. His father seems angry; he tells Randy to leave. His father must have been beating his mother. Randy sits on the couch and wonders why. When his mother comes down, she hurries to the kitchen without looking at Randy. His father sits down and tells Randy that Mommy and Daddy were only wrestling. Randy has a better idea.
The little boy's first trip to the barber shop is also a frightening
experience. The next expedition is still pretty scary. By
the tenth time it's a delightful visit to a friendly fellow with
an elevator chair. Familiarity has chased away the monster;
the child is comfortable again. The youngster in Mangaia
who first views coitus is every bit as terrified as Randy, but
then it happens every night. Not only does his mother survive,
but she appears hale and hearty each morning. Now the
child begins to pay close attention. That's not his mother who
groans, after all. She's hugging Daddy back. The primal
scene becomes an intriguing event.
This natural desensitization process exists wherever
quarters are cramped or children sleep with parents. Life
goes on and the child gains perspective. In our middle-class
homes, children have separate bedrooms and sex is shrouded
in secrecy. Children are stuck with little knowledge and a
large imagination. You may need to offer reassurance until
further learning is possible. "Mommy and Daddy were hugging
and kissing," is a better explanation than an aggressive
concept such as wrestling. Both parents need to discuss the
event with the child.
Because the child commonly pictures
his mother as the victim, the mother needs to hug or rub
Daddy, to substantiate her pleasure openly. A detailed, specific
explanation is unsuitable, simply because of the child's
limited understanding and florid misinterpretations. A demonstration
can succeed where words fail. Gather puppets or
flexible dolls, a blanket, and an inverted box to serve as a
bed. Have the puppets clasp, grunt, and roll together to your
enthusiastic comments.
The mother handles the girl puppet
to act out her agreeable participation. Urge the child to
repeat the play himself while you serve as audience. Don't be
surprised if the same format is reenacted later with a neighbor
child. You needn't portray genital coupling unless the
child observed that aspect in the flesh.
Needless to say, the child who perceives Mommy as liking
to touch and be touched by Daddy, and Daddy as listening
attentively to Mommy is less likely to interpret aggressively
any unusual event.
Nudity in the home has been controversial for at least fifty
years. Parents fear overstimulation or promiscuity. They're
ashamed to be seen naked and are embarrassed for the children
also. "Here, pull your dress down before someone sees
you!" "Remember to zip your pants." "I'm ashamed of you
running around like that." This rigid insistence on clothing
propagates shame. In countries where nudity is common,
there's nothing to hide, and no reason to assume that one
part is covered because it's ugly or dirty. Unclothed children
have the opportunity for much casual genital pleasuring, as
in wrestling with a chum or crawling over a friendly dog.
Clothing constitutes an emotional investment. "How do I
look?" is a common request for reassurance.
The staid,
paunchy businessman who, for the first time, ambles
through the living room bare and nonchalant evokes reactions
which range from anxious giggles to plans for a state
hospital commitment. Children over four may be shocked or
fearful when first confronted by a naked adult. The level of
shame in our society is so great that any considerable change
in clothing habits is as unlikely as open intercourse. We can,
however, encourage children to be comfortable with their
bodies by allowing them free play sessions in the nude. Mud
puddles and garden hoses are ready accessories.
"Am I male or female?" is a question which must be
answered by age three.