Of all the tasks peculiar to the second year, potty training is the best recognized, and often the most exasperating. The potty chair brings the parent's anxieties into sharp focus. An exquisitely pleasing function must be diverted into socially acceptable channels. The child, quite rightfully, resists. Distraction won't work, and the toddler resorts to all the ploys he has tucked away to bluff parents. He's outraged, indignant, strangely dense, or utterly crushed.
He remembers an
urgent mission and forgets what his mother wanted anyway.
He may hoard up his stool until the warm bathtub weakens
his resolve. He may distract his mother and himself by pulling
and patting his penis while seated on the pot.
Shame begins as a wordless concept. It stems from the
toddler's perception of one part of himself as less acceptable
than the rest. That part is bad, dirty, or smelly. Once established,
shame is impossible to erase completely. It's the basis
for the majority of problems treated in the sex clinic.
Shame
is the reason why it's difficult for adults to ask for certain
pleasures, admit inadequacies, reveal the genitals, or even
talk about sex.
The child learns to be ashamed around the time of toilet
training. His parents' attitudes about control, his genitals,
and the stool itself convey the concept. The anus and the genitals
are somewhat distinct in a boy's mind, but a girl thinks
of them as one.
Thus, if diapering is a chore, the stool a stinking
object to be quickly discarded, and the genitals of interest
only because they must be scrubbed, the child assumes that
the parent is disgusted by the whole area. The fact that
adults avoid the genitals, leaving them nameless and hidden
beneath clothing at all times, reinforces this theory.
The
child learns to keep his "privates" concealed; nothing is
worse than to be "caught with your pants down."
Girls learn to be more ashamed than boys. This is related
to the uncharted darkness of their anal and genital area. The
clitoris is unnamed and unremarkable by any separate function
such as urination. When the anus is cleansed, so are the
genitals. Diapers and panties cover both, without any distinguishing
aperture such as a fly.
When erotic sensations arise
from being wiped, rubbing against a pillow, or playing
horsey, the whole area feels good. Unless the little girl has
discriminated the clitoris by touch, as in the naming process,
or through pleasuring, she includes her genitals in the clutter
of smell, dirt, and displeasure with which she regards her
stool.
She confuses the odor of her stool with the smell of her
genitals. As an adult, she'll continue to hide her "dirty" parts,
she'll bathe daily, douche religiously, use a perfumed spray,
and avoid oral sex.
Mothers communicate shame through their style of toilet
training. Some commence at nine months and grimly pursue
the goal of "no accidents." Others begin later, but emphasize
a fast, efficient performance at the proper hour. Some solemnly
examine each product for size, odor, or mushiness.
Others don't train effectively and complain loudly. Some tie
the toddler to the chair or punish him if he leaves. Scented
sprays to cover the smell, a wrinkled nose, meticulous wiping,
and hasty hand-washing accompany the effort. How can
a toddler feel proud when the mother is clearly upset?
The sexually aware mother can preserve the child's enjoyment
and the worth of his genitals by moderating her own
reactions. She's patient, kind, and reasonably flexible.