Middle-class children rarely attempt penetration; indeed no one
lies still long enough. However, middle-class youngsters
who've been directly stimulated by adults, and many
slum children, also, actively seek genital contact. If they've
observed or participated in oral sex they may devise a game
with this as the central focus.
One such game is "blow the
balloon," in which the initiator offers his penis like the neck
of a balloon. He expands his stomach in graduated steps as
his companion puffs. Of course, his partner must draw the
air out also, and these "balloons" are tough to deflate.
As
interest in genital sex increases, the play degenerates into a
simple request for pleasuring. Occasionally, an inexperienced
girl will dare a boy to "kiss it." If the boy unexpectedly
agrees she giggles and turns away.
Sex play is certainly healthy. Social skills are accrued and
eroticism enriched. Sexual interests are focused outside the
home. Both boys and girls feel potent. They're doing something
new, daring, and entirely of their own design. Each
other's genitals are exciting and powerful. The girl realizes
that her body is desirable. The boy feels proud; his penis elicits
awe. Girls and boys are dearly fascinated by one another.
In cultures where children are sexually active, sex play
continues uninterrupted. Unfortunately, in our culture,
there's a sharp decline in all sexual activity by the end of the
oedipal phase. This is related to greater social awareness
and the formation of a conscience.
The child begins to live by
principle rather than by "not getting caught." Many youngsters
renounce in retrospect not only sex play but talking
and thinking about sex. Recalling the pleasure itself is especially
disturbing. Now girls are ashamed to be without a
bathing-suit top, certain words are "dirty," and the bathroom
door is always shut.
Girls play with girls, and boys with boys.
Only the erotic children blessed with sexually enthusiastic
parents remain open and interested.
The degree of constriction reached at age six is a forecast
of problems in the future. At this time the child's erotic foundation
is complete. If there's been a paucity of sensual pleasure
in infancy, a dearth of erotic relationships in the
preschool years, and a high degree of shame, the child will
curtail his interests and sharply limit his activity. Erotic
impairment is inevitable.
Because of their sense of inadequacy and shame about the
genitals, girls become more embarrassed and constricted
than boys. As the years between six and puberty elapse, the
majority of boys again experiment with sex, while very few
girls participate. The cycle of little experience and much
inhibition is initiated. Over a period of time this stunts the
girl's erotic growth and accounts for the large number of
married women whose erotic response is damaged or absent.
Parents who have followed the suggestions in these chapters,
or who have in other ways communicated acceptance
and enjoyment of sex, have promoted a solid erotic foundation.
Once the child has enjoyed sex without shame throughout
the preschool years his pleasure is well entrenched and
open to further enrichment.
He can withstand trauma, be it
Aunt Figleaf, molestation, or discovery while masturbating,
without forfeiting his potential for pleasure. Although he's
failed in his first seduction, he remains proud of his genitals.
He's ready and willing to try again.