KAREN

Karen was the only child born to a strikingly beautiful woman. Her parents lived in an expensive suburb where Karen attended a private school. Her mother disliked suburbia and had few friends; yet she made no plans to live elsewhere. At times she was resentful and jealous of her often absent husband. The mother devoted hours each day to Karen, who was her confidante. The mother's beautician did Karen's hair each week. The mother relied on Karen's good humor and vivacity to buoy her sagging spirits. When Karen entered school she chose her girlfriends and organized a "Candyland Club" for the select few. Karen suggested a game called "Reform School" in which she somehow was always the teacher. She preached, gave assignments, and pretended to spank "bad" children. She instructed some to pull down their panties, and others to disrobe completely, so that she could "inspect." She rewarded this "good" behavior with candy treats, which were in constant supply. Karen herself never disrobed. At age ten Karen was given a lacy nightgown and a catered birthday party by her mother. Her father was away on a business trip. Karen began to date at age thirteen, and on her return, promptly reported all happenings to her mother. They giggled and whispered far into the night. Her mother was certain that she could trust Karen because they were so close.

Karen became pregnant in her junior year of high school. She told her mother immediately, but both concealed the fact from her father until Karen was in her sixth month. Her father was enraged and blamed the mother. The mother indignantly accused him of long-term neglect and indifference. For the first time in years both parents acted together when they brought Karen for psychiatric evaluation. During my session alone with Karen she confided that she had not even liked the father of her child, that sexual relations were mildly disagreeable, and that marriage was a real "turnoff." Karen received copious erotic stimulation from her mother. This highly charged, intimate relationship restricted Karen and impeded her normal sexual development. The boyfriends and the pregnancy served only to provide the mother with exciting material. No male was really important.

Any of these parents could have lived in your community or on your block. Concerned and responsible, they provided all the common necessities. They were functioning members of the middle class who wished their children to become happy, healthy adults. The occasional marital discord or emotional problems were not unusual or incapacitating. These parents never threatened or punished their children's early erotic explorations. They skirted the area tactfully to avoid trauma, utilizing avoidance, distraction, and vague generalizations. Even the two parents who intensely stimulated their children did little to direct their sexual growth. Children were left to define their own sexuality, through various scraps of information augmented by fantasy. Parental lack of enthusiasm, embarrassment, and reluctance to impart information suggested that sex was different and perhaps shameful. Erroneous conclusions and gross misinterpretations were the rule. Not one parent welcomed a child's early erotic gropings as the hallmark of healthy development. There were no words of encouragement and no considered guidance.

Several families were deficient in more than one area. Meg's, Warren's, and Joe's families failed to provide an experience in intimacy, and these children suffered severe impairments. Shirley and Karen were stimulated but bound in an exclusive relationship with one parent, which limited both sexual and emotional growth. David, Herb, and Ann were reared with intimacy and encouraged toward independence. They became healthy individuals with sexual problems. Meg and Joe experienced sexual trauma outside the home which may have intensified their difficulties. Both were acutely vulnerable because of feelings of helplessness and inadequacy before the trauma occurred. They had no basis in erotic competence or knowledge with which to interpret the events correctly.

Each had already assumed from their parents' attitudes that genitals were somehow bad or dirty. Neither had had any experience which indicated that genitals could be nice and feel good. Thus there was no protective cushion to soften the emotional impact of horror and revulsion which constituted the trauma. Had these children been better equipped, the "trauma" would have shriveled to a strange or unpleasant "incident." By not permitting or promoting healthy eroticism, we leave our children bare and blind, without protection, in a world where sex may also be used to hurt.