Kaplan and others delineate a series of problems that produce sexual impairments. Fear of failure is a frequent cause. This arises from ignorance, misinformation, and trauma. One or both partners are too ashamed or frightened to ask for what feels good. The couple forgoes stimulating investigations for the safety of a routine as familiar as emptying the trash. Women especially may limit sex to "when he wants it." Passively, they accept whatever they happen to get, assuming that mutual pleasure is unattainable or unimportant. Some fear exposure more than failure. "I'd look stupid if I did that" is a common complaint. Women who feel dumpy hide in flannel nightgowns and fake a climax. Men feign indifference when their erections falter.
Performance anxiety is the bane of the male who is overly
concerned with pleasing his partner-he assumes total
responsibility for her orgasm. If she fails, so must he. He
must become erect immediately, use the right foreplay, and
continue thrusting until her climax. Making love is a contest
where he must measure up or flunk. A single soft erection
becomes a catastrophe.
All these problems are perpetuated by the couple's inability
to share their concerns or devise realistic strategies
together. Hampered by shame and disappointment, they
may find it easier to abandon lovemaking. Some may listlessly
follow the same old recipe even though the result
remains tasteless. Yet erotic impediments are not "just
human nature." The sex clinics clearly indicate that sexual
attitudes and behaviors are learned. Adult dysfunctions
result from having understood the body or its function as
bad, shameful, or dirty as a child.
If adult problems stem from faulty learning, then the solution
is to relearn healthier perceptions and behaviors, perhaps
through a series of remedial exercises. Sex therapy
clinics do exactly that. Couples are successfully treated without
lengthy psychotherapy by undertaking and discussing
simple erotic tasks-simple enough to be called "childish."
The most basic assignment consists of nongenital touch, or
mutual pleasuring. The couple snuggle, rub, fondle, and lick
to recapture the springtime of their pleasure.
The touch, smell, and taste of the partner are vital once
more. Spirited tussles and frivolous giggles result. Erections
are magically resurrected and tissues are once again moist
and glistening, ready for the next exercise. More advanced
tasks are more difficult; they provoke anxiety and shame.
Each partner must stand naked before a triple mirror and
beneath a bright light. Each anatomical feature is touched
and described.
Each must masturbate before the other. Each
must relate his or her most intimate fantasy in lavish detail.
Roleplaying an orgasm, quiet containment of the penis in the
vagina, reading erotic books together, and using slang sex
words to increase excitement may be other assignments. As
these tasks are successfully completed, the couple builds
confidence and is better able to communicate. Erotic enrichment
and the relief of anxiety are happy by-products.
Our more fortunate children are astutely completing the
same tasks, and many more-beneath the porch, behind the
bush, and up in the tree house. Our children can treat themselves,
if only we will allow it.