If the child is not yet masturbating, he should be. Learning how is no problem, once the child is comfortable with the concept. He needs to know that you approve, and that other children and adults masturbate also. If this becomes a problem, examine your past responses closely. Gentle Spockian admonitions may have left their mark. "I'm sure you'll grow out of it," "Do what your heart knows is best," and "Well, it depends on what kind of a boy you want to be" are sophisticated put-downs.
Another subtle reproach is to rationalize
masturbation by relating it to a more acceptable function.
Pleasuring is tolerated because Carol must learn about her
body, or because Jason is nervous and needs to relax, or
because the child hasn't emerged from a certain stage.
Progress is equated with the relinquishment of pleasure.
Brothers and sisters may experiment with each other.
Although most sibling incest doesn't cause emotional damage,
there are more diverse learning experiences available in
the neighborhood.
If parents wish to divert the child to more
acceptable outlets, this needs to be done without exacerbating
shame or damaging his response. The mother usually
discovers the liaison. Her first thought is to take the more
responsible child aside and lay down the law.
Her second
thought is to protect the children by keeping their tryst
secret from other children, and perhaps the father, too. Both
approaches advocate secrecy and intensify shame.
A family conference with all members present is the only viable solution.
If either parent is judgmental or angry, a counselor may
be included in the session.
At first the family meeting accentuates
the misery of the incestuous pair. Shock and shame
rapidly subside as the children realize that specific behavior
rather than dirt, blame, or badness is the issue.
Their parents
are neither enraged nor devastated. Quite simply, the
youngsters are to redirect their sexual interests. Pleasuring
with another is delightful-outside the family.
The danger of not including the whole family in a decision
that affects everyone may also arise in a vacation cabin.
Sleeping arrangements are condensed, and only a curtain
divides the rooms. At night a child overhears his mother's
hasty whisper, "Don't, Harry-this is a bad time!" or "Not
now, can't you wait?" The child understands that the mother
is being forced, and that the mother dislikes sex. This is more
upsetting than overhearing intercourse.
Parents can avoid
this by renting a larger cabin, agreeing ahead of time not to
make love, or by having sex and discussing it with the whole
family, either before or after. One vacationing mother herded
her brood out toward the playground after lunch. "Dad and I
want time to make love-we'll open the front door when
we're through." The children, of course, peeked through the
window.
At the conclusion of latency, the erotic child has gained
expertise, a sense of fairness, and consideration for his partner.
He has avoided humiliation and remains both proud and
potent. He feels that his parents understand and approve of
his erotic activities. Sex is a comfortable topic for the whole
family.