HOW TO PLAY PING-PONG
WITH NO TABLE
(AGE SEVEN TO PUBERTY)
TINA'S mother comments, "I guess I can be thankful because
Tina's never had a problem with sex; in fact, she hasn't
shown any interest at all. I didn't have to tell her not to play
with herself, or to watch out for certain boys."
Whenever I hear a statement like this, I know absolutely
that the child does have a problem. The theory that a child
isn't sexual is simply untrue. Tina has already dealt with the
issue of sex, and her erotic response has already suffered.
She responds to a world of sexual silence.
In a Mexican town on Saturday night, most of the locals
congregate at the central hotel. Children are seated with the
family, dressed in their finest clothes. Beer flows freely and
the children observe as bodies gyrate, cling, or shake on the
dance floor. Father strokes Mother's bottom as they dance;
the mother smiles and tickles his ear. An uncle sweeps a
seven-year-old miss onto the floor, whirling her off her feet as
others clap. A sheepish ten-year-old boy is persuaded to
dance by an older sister who obviously delights in his improvisation.
The playing field is clearly marked.
In the United States, children under the age of eighteen or
twenty-one are restricted from most establishments which
serve alcoholic beverages. Yet almost every romantic setting
also serves liquor. The bistro, dance hall, and R- or X-rated
movies are shrouded in secrecy. Children aren't allowed to
purchase certain magazines. Yet explicit accounts of rape
and molestation are available in the newspaper, and suggestive
scenes are daily fare on TV. This duplicity confuses as it
titillates. When is sex acceptable? Where is the protocol,
what are the rules? Children this age like games with clear
definitions and explicit rules. This playing field is most disconcerting.
The markers are hazy, the goalposts concealed,
and the referee perplexed.
The relatively placid years between the oedipal stage and
the turbulence of adolescence are called "latency." Freud
dubbed this the sexless age, but we now know that this isn't
the case (Rutter, 1971). Both sexes remain sexually attuned,
although girls especially are ashamed and shy. Sex play does
occur and steadily increases. By age thirteen, two thirds of
the boys have been involved in sex play with girls. According
to Kinsey, only fifteen percent of preadolescent girls have
engaged in sex play with boys.
Parents tend to underestimate
the extent of this activity simply because children skillfully
avoid discovery. Youngsters exude innocence, concoct
plausible excuses, and conduct their affairs with discretion.
They assume that adults detest sex play. Children who are
caught pay an enormous price which can cripple their eroticism
for life. The price is humiliation-a dramatic increase
in shame, like finding your fly unzipped while delivering a
lecture or realizing that you forgot to wear a slip under a
transparent evening gown. An excruciating sensation that
reddens the face and is impossible to forget. Most youngsters
are ashamed about sex anyway, and are thus prone to humiliation.
Once children are humiliated they may never again
participate freely.
Elaine had always been a polite, eager-to-please, inhibited
child. At age four a little boy persuaded her to watch him uri
nate. Tense and embarrassed throughout his performance,
she bolted when he invited her to reciprocate. By age seven,
she had made several friends and enjoyed playing games
with them in the town park. Her group formed a "pee club,"
where each afternoon behind a clump of bushes they
watched each other urinate. Unfortunately the bushes were
on an embankment so that the yellow stream rolled out onto
the cement court.