ENRICHING THE CHILD'S SEXUAL RESPONSE
THE sexual response is learned, beginning in earliest childhood.
Parents can aid its development immensely by accepting
and encouraging eroticism. The principles are explicit
and easily grasped. The goals are the prevention of sexual
dysfunctions and the enhancement of pleasure.
Some parents won't wish to change anything. Others have
closed this book already, with a sense of mild revulsion. If
you feel that encouraging eroticism is immoral, unwholesome,
or against religious principles, this book is not for you.
If you're certain that sex can erode the family, take over the
child, or limit his achievement, then read no further.
If you elect not to change one whit, this doesn't make you
a bad parent. The existing system is time-tested and safe.
Sexual dysfunction is presumably not the worst that can
happen. Should your child change faster than society itself,
he may encounter stress. Both you and your child can be criticized.
The decision isn't easy. Whatever the answer, it must
come from within. The most important determinant is your
assessment of your own sexuality, and whether you wish to
give your child a richer erotic experience.
If parents disagree about the approach, and can't resolve
their differences constructively, then eroticism can become a
battleground and the child a weapon. Then the child perceives
sex either as a source of power over others or as a lia
bility. Either way, distortions occur, and the child loses.
Attitudes of housekeepers, baby-sitters, grandparents, and
others are important. Even the neighborhood is significant.
A liberal college community is more conducive to change
than a small midwestern town. Yet important strides may be
taken in even the most rigid setting. A father's stated
approval of his son's penis or a mother's playful caress as she
bathes her baby is unlikely to evoke criticism anywhere.
The first steps are taken gingerly. It's hard enough to be
open about sex with a mate even when sex is an approved
item on the marital agenda. With a small and impartial
observer there are no guidelines and no way to predict his
reaction. It's downright scary. A positive remark about the
genitals or a pat and a smile are enough for a start. Most
likely little Jenny will flash a disarming grin as she trots off
about her business. Perhaps an opportunity will present
itself when least expected.
Todd's mother recounted a shopping
trip with her four-year-old son. She glanced down to
find Todd pushing at his crotch with a look of utter exasperation.
A short while later he repeated the performance. She
asked him if he enjoyed doing that. In a grumpy voice Todd
complained that his "peter" kept coming up when he didn't
want it to. Mother smiled and said that his penis had a "special
magic" to stand up and feel good. Todd's eyes grew large
as he stared at his crotch with new respect.
With my training in child psychiatry completed, I
embarked on a number of court evaluations. One of the first
cases involved a five-year-old girl who was suspected of having
been molested by a sixteen-year-old neighbor. I felt anxious,
as I had never before initiated a conversation about sex
with a child. My patient, Erica, arrived with her mother in
tow. She was a totally charming little girl, eager to play and
quite willing to talk. If left to her own devices she would have
spent the entire session feeding the baby doll or painting
bright and gooey designs on large sheets of paper. Her play
revealed nothing about a molestation and she met my initial
queries with indifference.
Obviously, I was the one interested
in sex, not she. Or perhaps Erica was cloaking her fear, using
her enthusiasm with finger paint to avoid discussing some
terrible event. My questions became more specific. Suddenly
I realized that Erica couldn't understand me-her words
were different. With minimal urging, she taught me her
vocabulary. Urination was, "s...s...s," defecation was "ca...ca"
and the vagina was a nebulous cavity ensconced between the
"belly button" and the "push hole."