Either Chuck must persuade his five-year-old sister to play "chicken" or he
must act as Eddie's servant for a whole week. Chuck would
address Eddie as "master," do his homework, and suck his
penis. If Chuck told his parents, Eddie would tell the principal
about Chuck calling him "asshole."
Once compromised, a responsible child is subject to extortion
and further indignities. Distrust, resentment, and a
sense of utter helplessness result from this early form of
rape.
Children who feet impotent make excellent victims,
unlikely to resist and easy to extort. Parents can help by
boosting potency, defining healthy and unhealthy sex play,
and citing some practical strategies.
As the vast majority of sex games are benign, and an
important part of development, a positive approach to sex
play is well warranted. Sex is a gift freely given and the child
must learn how to give. Chums and classmates are the best
teachers. Yet sex doesn't seem wholesome to many a harried
parent attempting to raise a nice, socially acceptable offspring.
Andrea's mother was a liberal until Andrea and her
cousin locked the bedroom door to assure privacy.
Now Andrea's mother is a Gestapo agent. Preston's cache of Penthouse
magazines was discovered at spring housecleaning.
His father gives Preston a lecture about not wasting brainpower
and respecting women. Claude was caught making
arrangements for a group sex party. His mother is too upset
to deal with him. She sends him to his room to await his
father.
Paying no attention is better than an inquisition, and a
talk about the facts of life is a step in the right direction, but
what's really needed is a discussion and an exchange of ideas.
Yet a question like "Do you engage in sex play?" elicits a stare
from an eight-year-old and a loud guffaw from her fourteenyear-
old brother. All but the rare sensuous child are too
ashamed to admit erotic interests or activities.
A circuitous approach works best. "How old was the youngest girl ever to
have a baby?" "What do other kids think of the sex education
class?" "Suppose a law was passed to ban either sex or violence
on television-which would be best?" "Do boys ever fall
in love with each other?" "Can women have babies when they
aren't married?" Such indirect, reasonable questions provoke
a discussion which can then be channeled toward personal
concerns. Avoid pressuring the child; if there's no response,
try again another day. A pregnant woman on the block or a
dog in heat presents additional opportunities.
Unfortunately, talks are usually held behind closed doors
with the opposite sex excluded.
This adds to the aura of
shame and will make conversation about sex in mixed company
difficult later. Sex seems too shameful or embarrassing
to share. It's best if the whole family participates, as around
the dinner table.
This is the most effective preparation for
the later sharing of sexual concerns with a mate.
Once comfort has developed, encourage the child to
express his own opinion. Let him know that his theories are
valuable, and as valid for him as yours are for you.
Unless
the youngster reveals a blatant misconception such as "kissing
causes pregnancy," facts are unnecessary. Wait until he
requests more detailed data, and then comment, "You can be
proud that you had the courage to ask that."
Give him the information he desires, honestly and simply. Brief, anecdotal
accounts of your own erotic experiences give the child permission
to talk about and perhaps to indulge in sex play. It
helps greatly if both parents can indicate that they enjoy
making love, and often, too.
Most grade-school children
refuse to believe that their parents would do something like
that. They feel ashamed when they even think about it. They
often accept sex only as a one-shot obligation to make a baby.
The absence of babies is proof of parental abstinence. Children
this age can comprehend and employ terms such as
"intercourse," "having sex," and "making love."