Debbie appeared quite depressed and refused to date until she left for college. She no longer sought her father's advice and responded minimally to his questions. Only Brian asked her what was wrong, and was upset when she began to cry.
Debbie entered analysis many years later. She had married
an understanding, hardworking, but rather passive husband,
who was perplexed by her sudden depressions and by
her anger when he tried to comfort her. Eventually he ceased
making sexual advances, as she would suddenly burst into
tears. His loneliness and sorrow finally became so apparent
to her that she sought help from a psychiatrist.
In therapy, she was unable to remember months or even
years of her early life. As she became stronger she began to
trust that her psychiatrist would not attack her. She remembered
and reexperienced earlier events.
She recalled reading
while nestled in her father's lap and sitting beside him at
church. She remembered how strong he seemed, and how
much he was respected by others.
In contrast, her mother
was the one who worried about little things, who nagged and
criticized for shoes left in the hallway or doors ajar. She complained
of sick headaches but nevertheless kept the house
spotless.
Her mother expected extra cleaning chores from
Debbie because she was a girl, even when Brian was out
playing baseball.
Slowly, Debbie came to understand, if not forgive, her
father. She realized that his sudden rage stemmed from his
rigid, puritanical background and the sexual deprivations of
his marriage. She traced the gradual development of his
intensely erotic feelings for her and appreciated his enormous
effort to control himself. Her vivacity and warmth had
been his most precious possession.
After many months of therapy, Linda no longer burst into
tears at her husband's advances. It was not until a year had
passed that she found words to encourage his sexual
advances.
At present, the relationship has become comfortable
for both, but sexually satisfying only for Debbie's husband.
Encyclopedias have been compiled to list and catalog the
distortions of sexuality. Each distortion shows a link
between sex and another emotion such as rage or fear.
The frightened exhibitionist unzips his fly in order to elicit anxiety
in the observer, so he may reassure himself. The ascetic
turns anger upon himself and denies all pleasure, but especially
sex. The rejected husband may systematically have
intercourse with a succession of different women whom he
never intends to see again.
A woman selects a jealous man to
marry, and then provokes him. Whether in victim or aggressor,
the link is present. It is firmly fused in early childhood
and difficult or impossible to change. The only solution is
prevention.
In order to prevent such links from forming, we as parents
must do more than intellectualize. We must not cruelly
inhibit, abuse, reject, abandon, or severely criticize our children.
We must not bind them so closely that they cannot
grow. But is there anything positive that we as parents can
do? I believe there is.